When we talk about university and career counseling, a lot of the conversation is focused on the metrics – grade requirements, admissions percentages, application numbers. In schools, we often create a false dichotomy between college conversations and feelings conversations, even in comprehensive programs. Deep down, I think we know that almost all conversations center on feelings on some level. As college and university counselors, we support our students in making what is potentially the biggest choice of their life so far. When we take a mindful approach to counseling, we can show up for our students and families in ways that honor their feelings and needs.
Take a moment to reflect on what comes to mind when you hear the word “mindfulness”. Do you see a red-robed monk sitting with legs crossed? Or perhaps the serene face of the Buddha? Sure, these are indeed some stereotypical faces of mindfulness. But digging deeper, mindfulness can also be listening for the unexpressed need underneath a student’s indecision, or the ability to respond calmly to an anxious parent. We can think of mindfulness as paying attention on purpose and with a kind attitude. Here are a few ways that this mindful approach can support our practice:
Noticing thoughts
We humans can be prone to overthinking, and often have a hard time escaping stress spirals. One of my favourite mindful quotes comes from the meditation teacher Tara Brach who said that “our thoughts are real, but not necessarily true.” As students meet us, they are often going to be presenting with a variety of thinking traps. You have the all or nothing mindset: “If I don’t get into (insert name of any QS top 100 school here) I won’t be successful!” Then there’s catastrophizing: “I’m not going to get in anywhere!!” Or how about the negative filter: “I bombed my Econ summative. I am so stupid and I can’t do anything.” This isn’t just a student concern. We of course experience these thoughts ourselves. “I’m not good at my job if I don’t get kids into the best colleges.”
All of these thought patterns deep down come from a good place – our brain is trying to protect us. But when we let them go unchecked (or our students do), we’re operating through foggy lenses. As mindful counselors, we can work to notice these harmful thought patterns and disrupt them in the moment: “Hey wait just a second. You failed one Econ summative. That might feel disappointing, but didn’t you get a 5 on your last one?! This is a one-time mistake, not a pattern.” Paying attention to those thoughts in the moment helps us to take what works and let go of what is holding us back.
Mindful listening
Applying to college is a big deal. Students and parents walk into our offices with a lot of expectations and feelings. Some express these uncertainties in ways we would prefer not to engage with! Mindful listening allows us to be present with the feelings and needs that are driving the communication. Deep down, we all want the same thing – for our students to be successful in their next steps. When we come to our conversations with curiosity rather than defensiveness, we can listen for what needs students and families are bringing to the table. Is it choice, independence, balance, or acceptance, for example? How can we sit with whoever is in our office and listen for those needs?
Co-regulation
Our adolescent students are going through a time of immense change, and a lot of that change is happening in their brains, which are rewiring and restructuring for adulthood. With all of this upheaval, it can be challenging for teenagers to self-regulate. If we are able to model healthy regulation for them, their nervous systems can begin to mirror ours.
What does this look like in practice? When we have that overwhelmed teen in front of us, we speak in a calm voice, breathing deeply if we notice ourselves starting to get agitated. We listen and avoid the urge to jump in and fix. We ask gentle, open-ended questions. Perhaps we invite them to take a walk with us outside. For all the joy mingled in, we know those last two years of high school can be incredibly stressful. Showing our students different ways to cope with stress, just by being regulated ourselves, can help them to copy and internalize those strategies.
The best way to be a mindful counselor is to practice a bit of mindfulness yourself. Sitting quietly might seem scary but my advice is to start small. Try five minutes a day of a guided practice and see what you notice. There are so many free resources out there but I’ll share a few to get you started: SOMA, Insight Timer, SEE Learning. Mindfulness doesn’t have to be still either. You could go for a mindful walk or even mindfully wash your dishes! You may be surprised at what you notice when you pay attention.
About the author
Dr. Kailyn Fullerton is an educator, comprehensive school counselor, and mindfulness and social-emotional learning (SEL) specialist. She supports students, families, and educators in developing wellbeing through mindfulness-based approaches and has worked in international schools across Asia and Europe. She holds a doctorate in Social-Emotional Learning from Antioch University and a master’s degree in Mindfulness for Educators.
